She vogues like a dancer, curses like a sailor and fights like a demon, yet Bayonetta is far from the slutty stereotype you assume when you see her pictures or videos. Gamers like me who have played through the game and continue to play it will tell you that she is more like the working stripper, if said stripper was Zoe Bell, Gina Carano or any other woman that can kick your nerdy ass any time of the day. While many will be intimidated by her swagger, the sexualized comments and bold bravado in her step it is all a part of her ridiculous dominance. When you take hold of Bayonetta, you quickly realize that there isn’t a mortal or immortal man who could live up to her either in a fight or in the bedroom. She seems to know this and is quite the prideful bitch about it, this is why she swings her sexy hips rhythmically as she walks, spreads her legs to leap over enemies and uses their weapons as stripper poles to deal out damage. Bayonetta’s movement and speech speaks to us males in a way that says, you want me badly, I would give it to you, but you have to come get it and you just aren’t good enough to do that.
Greg Dragon: “If Kratos were in the game of Bayonetta it would take a man of his godly skill set to even score a date with this diva and I think it would have more to do with his battle swagger than his rugged good looks or sexual prowess (can two Greek maidens matchup to one Bayonetta?) Kratos who is very much a man’s man, a stud, and a proven god, would give her a run for her money. He’d probably get that ass and she would love every second of it… unfortunately this game has no Kratos, only a ex-starved witch and a whole host of heavenly punks.”
Bayonetta The Game
This game is wicked fun, spend a few minutes and realize that it’s been a couple hours fun. It is Devil May Cry on cocaine and everything in between. For combo loving, button mashing gamers, Bayonetta is second to none in mindless fun. Just don’t hurt your brain trying to take the story behind the witch too seriously as it seems that it is merely a reason to the fun rather than a reason to have the fun. Are you following me on this? The game features a beautiful, anatomically incorrect woman with pistols in her hands and on her feet. Her clothes are magically made from… her hair and her spells can turn said hair into monsters, crows and even a giant replica of herself. You have to see it to believe it. While Bayonetta rhythmically beats her enemies with a bevy of well-timed dance moves and torture devices, the true genius in the game lies with a feature known as “Witch Time”. This feature is activated by pressing the appropriate button within a few seconds of taking damage, to where Bayonetta barely dodges the blow, thus slowing time considerably – allowing for free movement.
I Like The Way She Moves
“Witch Time” comes in handy when fighting bosses who wield giant Halberds, tentacles (grins evilly) and even missiles. The enemies are gross contortions of angelic creatures and demons, many have baby faces and a gem in their foreheads for my favorite weapon – the sword! You get a few weapons aside from her 4 guns that are named after spices. The weapons come from collecting musical discs throughout her misadventure and giving them to the armorsmith Rodin for annoying Hell’s demons into fueling his forge. The sword was the only weapons I used since everything else outside of her guns was too slow. Additionally you can take weapons from bosses and the like, the polearms serving as a relative stripper pole that our girl dances on to damage anyone close enough to sneak a peak.
What Motivates A Dancing Witch?
Behind the game is a tale of two rival but equal witch clans that kept the world in balance until an abomination was born of an unholy bond and created chaos. Bayonetta awakes after a long sleep to find herself without a past and only a pretty boy, an Italian gangster goofball named Enzo and a hell Smith as her friends. A woman with a look and moves similar to her own named Jeanne pops in periodically to “test” her but none of this makes sense so she travels. Along the way of her travels, Bayonetta is continuously assaulted by Angels. These creatures are on a relative witch hunt and although she offs them easily, they continue coming at her non-stop without explanation. As I got further into the game, the story got more and more convoluted to the point where I gave up giving a damn about understanding. It was good enough playing as the witch, I could care less about pregnancies, a father and witch propaganda.
This leads to my only two complaints about Bayonetta, two huge annoyances that will probably worsen the more I play through it. One the loading is atrocious, sure the load screen that allows you to practice combos is neat but seeing this after every major scene got a bit tired – but even worse than the loading is the long-winded dialogue near the end of the game. I wanted so badly to skip the scenes but couldn’t just because I had this review to write. The last boss’s monologue is BRUUUUTAAAAL, I mean I wanted to surrender just off of his boring speech. It was like “seriously Bayonetta, tell that thing to shut the hell up and kill it”, that’s how I felt and even after killing it the game stretched on with more of the uninteresting story. Still if you make it through the boredom and manage to see the credits, you get to take part in it which was awesome and you are treated with about 3 minutes of Bayonetta… erm… dancing, with a pole. NUFF SAID!
Buy, Rent or Avoid?
So I HIGHLY recommend this game as a purchase, all complaints aside it is so much fun to play and Bayonetta is quite the treat. SEGA was a bit too ambitious with all the elements added in, being that the action game was enough for me but a stage that reminded me so much of classic Space Harrier and others from classic SEGA was a pleasant Easter Egg (showing my age here). So if you haven’t copped this title, do yourself a favor and do it. The girl can move, and I had a blast playing with her for 7+ hours.
