Tekken The Movie – All Kinds of Fail
Genre: Action, Crime, Drama
Christie showed a lot of crack… her outfit being made more as a way to get Jin some easy access to the cookie rather than being a comfortable fighting uniform for a martial artist. Oh and she doesn’t do Capoeira, I am not sure what style this girl was doing but her fight against Nina Williams (Candice Hillebrand) was laughable…
Tekken marks yet another movie in an extremely long line of badly portrayed video game adaptations. You would think that with all the blaring examples of what not to do when making a video game movie, these newer titles would get it right. Tekken annoyed me, from the ugly character actors, to the cheesy Tekken City and the choice of characters to lead the story.
I hate to keep bringing up Mortal Kombat as a positive example, but when you have movies like Tekken that serve as a slap to the face of fans, you cannot help but reminisce on the one time that it was done right. While everything outside of Jon Foo’s portrayal of Jin Kazama was terrible, you would think that at least the fighting would be interesting. Tony Jaa’s The Protector showcased the fighting prowess of Foo and Lateef Crowder, which excited fans like myself into thinking that the pair returning in Tekken would guarantee some great action. WRONG! Lateef (Eddie Gordo) is onscreen for about 2 minutes getting his ass kicked by a sloppy version of Raven being played by Darrin Dewitt Henson.
The fighting is terrible, and whoever thought it a good idea to use the palette swap of Eddie Gordo from the game – Christie Monteiro (Kelly Overton) as one of the main leads apparently knows nothing of the game. The movie’s version of Christie is not the saucy Brazilian hottie that we know and love but a sexy white version utilizing a sloppily slow fighting style that was painful to watch in action. Christie showed a lot of crack… her outfit being made more as a way to get Jin some easy access to the cookie rather than being a comfortable fighting uniform for a martial artist. Oh and she doesn’t do Capoeira, I am not sure what style this girl was doing but her fight against Nina Williams (Candice Hillebrand) was laughable.
Speaking of Nina… as I know many of you are fans of the blond La Femme Nikita clone. Nina and Anna Williams (Marian Zapico) are now whores for a goateed Kazuya (Ian Anthony Dale) as he gets it on with them via ménage (sister on sister isn’t taboo in this odd little movie). We don’t get to see Anna fight much but Nina’s skills are suspect unlike her deadly demeanor within the game. Jon Foo as Jin was laughably bad acting but ultimately he was very likeable. His mother Jun Kazama (Tamlyn Tomita) taught him how to fight at a young age and he grew up within “Tekken City” wishing to have an out from the slums.
Enough is Enough!
Listen, I won’t even bother to go into the plot being that the Director himself didn’t seem to take it seriously. The fact of the matter is, the movie was not made for a mainstream audience – who could have been wowed by the action and storyline. This movie was totally made for fans of the game of Tekken. Fans who like me will be annoyed when a non Bruce Lee inspired version of Marshall Law is portrayed by Cung Le of all people (no disrespect Cung but Bruce Lee/Marshall Law you are not). Gamers avoid this turd with a passion or relive the sour milk taste you once experienced when Street Fighter The Movie was released so many years ago.
Hollywood still doesn’t get it when it comes to adapting our beloved fighting games to movies and Tekken is no revolutionary trial. Do not waste your time on Tekken unless you really want to stare at the crack of Kelly Overton’s ass… well maybe that isn’t so bad. But if you are expecting hot martial arts action then look elsewhere, Tekken is definitely not it.